You can hear me talking Soaps 10.30-11.00 am every Thursday on Swindon 1055.com (or simply use the tunein Radio App) and on my LIVE internet Soap Show 6.00-6.45 every Monday on Tellyspy (also available as podcasts on iTunes. Just key in ‘Soapy Corners’. Monday 30th December’s is No. 12 – Series 2 Ep 5.)
‘Rat-eyes’, secrets and lies, ‘an eye on the prize’ and impending goodbyes.
According to the media we’d been promised ‘laughter all the way’, but Christmas on Coronation Street just fell a little bit short on the old ‘Ho, ho, ho’ for me.
“What on earth makes you say this, Jane?” you gasp.
Well, I’m glad you asked me that. To me, there seemed to be way too much focus on Nick, Kylie and the ‘Bistro Bunch’ (too many surnames to list them all individually!); Peter and Tina made me seethe; Hayley and Roy just made me feel desperately sad, oh, and I cannot BEAR it when soaps have a sing-song, but other than that, it was great!
Roll out the ‘rat-eyes’
A drunken Deirdre is always a joy to behold (as are any scenes between her and Tracy), and you’ll never see a finer pair of ‘rolling, rat-eyes’ anywhere on the planet than those of Michelle and Liz when they’ve got Steve in their sights!
My 2014 storyline ‘wish list’
The way they lay into Steve is always laugh-out-loud funny, and – to be honest – he deserves every bit of the flak he gets, especially now that his College mate Andrea’s turned up and clearly has designs on him! What a fantastic character, and she’s the spit of a young Betty. Just look at the pair of them here (it’s the best photo I could get on my phone off my TV!).
I loved Hayley Tammadon in Emmerdale, and I’m hoping that she’ll become a permanent fixture in Coronation Street too. My wish is for her and Steve to have an affair, Michelle to leave him and for the pair of them to run the Rovers together (with a furious and frosty Liz trying to stir up trouble every step of the way – having got on so well with Michelle, and blaming Andrea for splitting them up).
Carla leaves Peter when she finds out about Tina (is anybody believing this storyline? Why any young woman would even look twice at that ageing, smoking, alcoholic, just-married waste of space is beyond me), and she and Michelle console each other and slowly realise that not only can they not trust men, but that neither of them will ever love a man the way they love each other and – hey presto – we have ‘#Carchelle’, as their close friendship deepens into something more.
Like that? It certainly beats Sophie’s up-coming new love interest – a homeless, petty criminal …
Sophie’s got more than soup on her mind
I’m really not looking forward to this one. I can imagine the storyline now, as ‘Saint’ Sophie tries to show this girl the error of her ways and set her on ‘the path of righteousness’ (yawn), but at least it’ll give us lots of ‘disapproving’ Sally scenes, so that’ll help with the tedium of it all!
Why does Tim put up with her, and why does she put up with him? She’s SUCH a nag! Still, once Kevin gets back it’ll soon be ‘all change’ at the Websters’, and it’s all going to change for Roy very soon too, as Hayley’s suddenly deteriorating and we’re all going to have to brace ourselves for what’s surely going to be one of soaps’ most tear-jerking exits ever?
But in the meantime …
Let’s try and keep cheerful, shall we? Michelle and Liz’s ‘rat-eyes’ are laugh-out-loud funny, and Steve’s expressions are just exquisite to watch. Mary is just plain bonkers, Norris is always great with the ‘looks’, and Deirdre’s face-pulling would give Les Dawson a run for his money, but as for the one-liners … well here’s a festive feast of Grins of the Week (including one of THE lines of the year!):
Gail: “You’ll have to write a letter of apology to that school.”
David: “Saying what?”
Gail: “‘My wife’s a lunatic?’.”
Kal: “They eat this in America, where they have the highest levels of obesity in the world.”
Dev: “Yeah, and they also produced Usain Bolt.”
Kal: “ … He’s Jamaican.”
Steve: “She wants to know which kind of whiskey she should get her dad for Christmas.”
Steve: “Because I’m a publican.”
Michelle: “You’re a schoolboy, you are.”
Leanne: “And remember to smile, will you?”
Kylie: “I have been smiling.”
Leanne: “No you’ve not. You’ve been scowling.”
Sally: “I had a Christmas card from Kevin this morning.”
Tim: “Oh, aye? What did it say?”
Sally: “Well, I presume it said, ‘Happy Christmas’, but it was in German.”
Amy: “Never heard of them.”
David: “They’re keeping her in.”
Gail: “How long?”
Gail: “Can we ask for longer?”
Kylie: “Do you mind? I’m at work.”
David: “Sorry. She’s trying to make a point, only she’s forgotten what it is.”
Sophie: “I’ve volunteered to help out at the soup kitchen.”
Sally: “You what? Where’s your Christmas spirit?” (Brilliant, brilliant line!)
Steve: “This is my mother, Liz.”
Andrea: “Hello. You must be so proud.”
Liz: “Is she … joking?”
Deirdre: “She’s had the turkey out the bag and right across the kitchen.”
Tracy: “What are we going to eat? … Oh, mam, no. Not stuffed marrow?”
Deirdre: “No. It’ll be fine. Heat kills germs. Just watch out for the teeth marks.”
Gail: “Goodness knows what the parents will think of us. They’ll avoid us like the plague next year. We’ll be ‘that family’.”
David: “We’ve always been ‘that family’.”
Kylie: “I get off in half an hour.”
Kal: “I’ve got to pick up my son.”
Kylie: “Can’t his mother do it?”
Kal: “She’s dead.”
Mary: “Is your request open to women?”
Deirdre: “Why not? I’ve already all but swapped saliva with a border terrier today.”
Andrea: “So, was he a difficult child?”
Liz: “He’s a difficult adult.”
David: “But you’re family.”
Kylie: “Lily’s the one that’s family. I’m just the horrible wrapper that she came in.”
Gail (bought a ‘slanket’): “It’ll save you a fortune in heating bills.”
Audrey: “Oh, yes. And I bet there’s a pocket for my bus pass and one for my teeth.”
Sally: “The police will be here in a minute.”
Tim: “You can’t arrest an oven.”
Gail: “Do you want to know what I think?”
David: “No … ” (How many of us would love to say THAT aye?!)
Carla: “It’s Christmas. Let’s all have a drink together – except you.” (Peter.)
Peter (to Tina): “I’ve already got a wife. I don’t need you being in a mood with me too.”
* Those jumpers David and Kylie were wearing this week definitely didn’t come from Primark/Tesco etc. (Soap characters regularly wear clothes that in ‘real life’ would be completely unaffordable on their characters’ incomes.)
* Carla had put the bread in the fridge. Never store bread in a fridge. Basically, the cool temperature makes the starch molecules dry out and that causes mould to form. *handyhint*
* Re the Platts’ names. Even Gloria asked: “Remind me, Gail – where are you with your surname these days?”!
* Liz has been wearing her zig-zag necklace again. I own hardly any jewellery (and rarely wear anything other than small earrings), but I just LOVE that necklace and would wear it all the time if it were mine!
And now … it’s Competition Time!
To celebrate the first anniversary of its sponsorship of ITV’s Coronation Street, comparethemarket.com has partnered with Gary Barlow, who has done a very special performance on the cobbles with help from Aleksandr and the meerkats.
I’ve still got two ‘Specials Edition’ copies of Gary’s first album in 14 years, ‘Since I Saw You Last’ to give away, and all you need to do is retweet one of my Corrie tweets (UK only, I’m afraid) to be in with a chance of winning one of these special CDs.
Click HERE to watch the video:
I’ll announce the winner in next week’s post and on Twitter.