'Emmerdale-y' – 25th March 2012

(You can hear me talking Soaps 11.30-12.00 am every Thurs & from 4.00-5.00 pm Fri on Swindon 105.5 FM) 

I’m still aghast at those two ‘Detectives’ (defectives, more like), who questioned Adam after the fire. Questioned wasn’t quite the right word, was it? He was opening his mouth to confess when the woman stepped-in with, “Mr Dingle told us you were the one that rescued him.”

You don’t TELL a suspect anything; you’re meant to ask them to give you THEIR side of the story. Did you miss that class at Detective School, love? Even blind Lizzie would have been able to see the ‘get out of jail free’ card Adam was being handed, and his face said it all.

He looked gobsmacked – and rightly-so – but did they spot it? No, they virtually filled in the rest of his statement for him.

“You did rescue him.”

“And the fire had already started.”

“So, you broke in through the doors to rescue him.”

“And you saw nothing out of the ordinary.”

Their parting words were, “If you remember anything else, just give us a call.” If you remember any other words we forgot to put into your mouth, just give us a call, was what they might as well have said!

Adam DID IT, yet these two clowns – in effect – told him he didn’t. Soap Police are notorious for arresting the wrong person, but these two take the biscuit!

“You might have fooled them, but not me,” Moira said to him when they left. HE didn’t fool them; they fooled themselves, but that lad seriously needs to grow up and stop chucking his toys out of the pram now.

Let’s turn to something slightly more believable: Ashley turning into the Demon Vicar of Emmerdale.

This is a powerful, painful, moving and beautifully-acted storyline, but I just cannot believe this total character change of Ashley’s.

Rachel’s trying to help Sandy, but the way Ashley’s talking to her is SO patronising. That’s how people talk to me a lot of the time and it upsets me very much. Rachel’s playing it so well, that when I look at her face I can almost believe that she’s being genuinely hurt by it too.

Ashley’s SO convincing that it’s getting scary. As I sat wondering, “Why are you being like this?” Sandy asked, “Why are you being like this?”

“Isn’t it obvious?” he shouted back.

Er, no. It isn’t. It’s completely un-Christian, and I can’t think for a moment where it’s come from … unless there’s a reason we don’t know about? I’ve read that people with brain tumours can sometimes behave in an unusual way, so is there some – as-yet – undiscovered, underlying reason for this personality transplant, perhaps?

Thank God for Nicola and Jimmy. Their antics have been a delicious antidote to the rest of the current heavy storylines, and Nicola stood her ground in the ‘No sex with me till you’ve had a va-sec-to-mee,” ban.

Carl’s stuck in the middle (as it were!), and tried to persuade her to sort it out. “Can’t you just put him out of his misery?” he asked her.

“It’s in his hands,” she asserted.

“You might want to re-phrase that,” he shot back with a grin!

For once though, Jimmy’s got the upper hand – as he’s decided to play her at her own game. “I knew that if I tried anything she’d knock me back, so … I beat her to it. I knocked myself back,” he expained to Carl proudly. When he told her to close her eyes and open her mouth she wasn’t expecting him to put an oyster in it, and it wasn’t long before his plan was … going to plan!

“Why does he have to be so stubborn?” Nicola whined to Laurel the next day.

“Him? Stubborn?” Laurel whispered incredulously. “They get funny about … feeling less of a man,” she tried to explain.

“I’M the one feeling ‘less’ of a man,” Nicola pointed out. Me, me, me. Nicola really can’t see anyone else’s side can she, but who’s going to crack first? No contest!

Talking of love: Ali and Ruby are about as affectionate towards each other as a couple of dead pets, and are love’s young dream – Aaron and Ed – giving us a warm glow? No, they’re not!

Ed asked Aaron to move to France with him with the words, “I reckon we’d have a laugh and see where it goes.” Adam didn’t look overwhelmed by the offer. Would you – if he put it to you like that?

Don’t ever bother writing a book on ‘The Art of Seduction’ will you Ed? Honestly. You wouldn’t have to worry about starting a fire in the garage from the sparks those two are generating.

Ed needs to take a leaf out of Megan’s book. Now there’s a woman who knows how to get her own way.  She’s got Declan where she wants him – and doesn’t Katy know it? Talk about ‘rat eyes’!

She looked stunning in her little black dress, and ‘The Smile’ was at work again this week too, as it only took one flash of those pearly whites to have Moira agreeing to rent her the fields. That’s one hell of a business tool, girl!

Wasn’t she nice to Zak and Samson too (although I don’t know how she managed to find them in the woods in the dark)?

I’m so impressed at how the little lad played his part and said his lines this week; completely believable. You wouldn’t have thought he was acting; he was spot on with the words, delivery and inflection, and could teach a few of those rubbish adult ‘Bit-part’ actors a thing or two!

There’s been a lot of funny exchanges this week, but most of them are too long to qualify as ‘one-liners’. I’ve enjoyed them though, and thanks to the writers for giving us a laugh. Here’s our Grins of the Week:

Diane: “Same again lads?”

Paddy: “No thank you. I’ve got a sick cow waiting for me.”

Cain: “That’s no way to speak of your missus.”

Ali: “Oy. Aren’t you forgetting something?”

Sean: “Yeah, you, hopefully.”

Zak: “I thought I’d show him (Samson) a few tricks of the trade.”

Megan: “That’d be the poaching trade, would it?”

Charity (about Megan): “There’s no harm in getting on her good side, is there?”

Chas: “You said she was a desperate, jumped-up hag!”

Adam (to Hannah; walking-in with shopping bags): “Where have you been?”

Hannah: “Sunbathing in the Maldives, where do you think?”

Aaron (to Paddy): “I’m not like you. Just because I like someone, I’m not going to set up house and nick another man’s baby.”

PS Notice how Soap fires burn in tidy little clumps while the character manages to remain completely protected by an invisible force field (like Violet in The Incredibles), until several men inevitably run in and pull them out?

PPS Nice to see Adam filling the kettle. Most Soap characters just come in and flick it straight on without lifting it up to check if there’s any water in. Who’d do that in real life?

PPPS Nice to see Dan back. I like him: he makes Ali cross … more cross. She’s always cross.

Neither Aaron/Ed or Ruby/Ali are very romantic, but if you fancy a fast-paced romantic novel with a twist worthy of anything you’ll get in Soapland, try my chick-lit romance “Just Good Friends?” 

"Just Good Friends?" the debut novel by Jane ReynoldsIt’s a love story about two straight, married women whose feelings for each other go far deeper than just friendship. Will they get together though? The answer’s a mere click away on Amazon/Kindle. SIMPLY CLICK HERE!


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