Emmerdale-y – 3rd June 2012

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Val’s flipped her lid; Ashley didn’t even get as far as flipping burgers, and Marlon had better flippin-well get on with relighting that fire with Laurel!

Despite already being in trouble, Alicia was at it again this week.

“Morning fatty,” Nikhil greeted David as he arrived at the shop for their run.

Alicia’s not fat, come on,” he teased.

“Er, do you want a smack?” she retorted.

Maybe not the best thing to be saying when you’re already up on an assault charge? It had turned out not to be a first offence either. She’d thumped one of her dying mother’s carers and broken the woman’s tooth and jaw.

“What did you hit her with: a baseball bat?” David gasped.

“No, my fist, stupid. She just had … weak bones,” Alicia stuttered helplessly. Great stuff!

Val’s socked in the face by a ‘big-breasted trollope’

Val’s done her best to get the sympathy vote, but it hasn’t worked. She thinks she’s hard done by (with her ‘Big, tragic hooter’), but can’t see anyone’s point of view but her own, and seems to forget that she was the one who started it!

“I’ve got more than my fair share of things going wrong, but do you see me going round, blaming everybody but myself?” she wailed to Alicia (having just informed her that it was too late to stop the prosecution going ahead!).

Alicia shouldn’t have hit Val, but she’s in love with David and was just defending her man (although he wasn’t her man – and won’t be for at least six months now!). I’d look on the bright side if I were her: she won’t have to see Jake for a bit.

It’s tough on Alicia, and it’s been tough for Amy too. It took her so long to trust Val, and just when they’d finally got over all the baby stuff and should have been settling down, Val took off and left. Amy blamed herself, and now that Val’s back is totally stuck in the middle as her ‘parents’ separate.

Eric (the ‘Silver-haired weasel‘!), is the one who’s stood by Amy through thick and thin, and Brenda could be a great friend to her (I wish they’d stop giving Brenda lines that turn her into a figure of fun: Brenda’s character never used to be an ‘airhead’), but Amy and Val are like two peas in a pod, and (despite herself), Amy desperately wants to keep their relationship going.

Amy’s tried really hard to get Val to see things from a different point of view, and reminded her of how she’d legged-it off to Portugal with Eric’s money.

“Oh, not this again,” Val sighed wearily. “How many times? It was OUR money.”

“Well there you go then: you’ve had your share!” Amy retorted.

David’s been in his dad’s corner over it too, and it’s been nice to see Amy and David on the same side, supporting both Brenda and Alicia. Hannah’s on Alicia’s side too.

“I think it’s dead tight – what you’re doing to Alicia,” she told Val.

“Oh, you do, do you? So if I was to saunter over to you and smack your dreary little nose into your pasty face, you’d let me off with it and say no more about it?” Val sneered, and vented her spleen on Ashley too when he dared to complain about his breakfast. (Val could hardly be described as ‘Hostess with the Mostest’, could she?)

Amy tried to appeal to Val’s better nature (except that she doesn’t have one!), to get her to drop the charges, and when that didn’t work, had to resort to telling her that if she didn’t then she’d never speak to her again, but – as usual – Val’s apology was hardly heartfelt: “It’s bad enough for that lad to have you as a mother without having to tell all of his mates you’ve been banged up,” she magnanimously conceded, but it was too late, and the charges will stand.

Ashley ‘Burgers-up’ his job

Ashley’s lucky not to be on a charge too, after being sacked for stealing bread rolls for the homeless. Dry burger buns? I’m not sure even a homeless person would be thrilled with an offering like that, although if he’d gone and nicked Alicia’s luncheon meat earrings too, he’d at least have had a sandwich …

I wasn’t looking forward to Ashley’s scenes in the Burger Bar. I thought they’d be really corny and badly acted, but although it was written like a Chuckle Brothers sketch (PS I love the Chuckle Brothers!), two lads he was working with actually played their parts really well, and the whole thing was really funny, and not the cringeworthy scenario I’d imagined. (The grey car parked outside is idential to the ‘new’ one I had to buy a couple of weeks ago!)

Marlon’s Moment?

With Laurel finding it harder to cope and falling further into debt, there couldn’t be a better time for Marlon to step up and step into Ashley’s shoes, but he’s hardly ‘seizing the day’, is he?

“Life would be dead simple wouldn’t it – if we always fell for the right person at the right time?” he reminded Paddy pointedly. “There’s no point, is there? There’s no going back,” he continued gloomily.

No going back? You barely went there in the first place man. ‘Picking up where you left off’ would be a better way of looking at the situation, I’d say.

I’m starting to wonder where it’s all going with Ashley though, but I have to say again that I hope Laurel doesn’t take him back. I want her and Marlon to be together. It’s got a lot of ‘mileage’, and they’d make a great family (they’d have to have a baby together too, of course – so that Marlon finally had a child of his own with the woman he loves).

Nicola wasn’t happy about Ashley looking after Gabby, but (as Rodney reminded her), it wasn’t so long since she was on a charge of biting a child – oops! I loved the scene where Laurel was getting the children into the car. It could have been any harrassed mother on any morning, trying to just get to school on time.

“Are you checking? Are you actually checking? I put them in there,” she gasped incredulously as Gabby searched her bag for her trainers!

You sometimes see Actors playing a tiny role in a Soap, but if they’re good, you’ll see them pop up again with a ‘proper’ part somewhere a few months later (Corrie’s Beth and Craig are a perfect example).

I reckon we’ll see both those Burger Boys again: if not in Emmerdale, then somewhere else – unlike the woman who played Alicia’s Solicitor, who definitely gets a Bad Acting from a Bit-Part Actor Award. For anyone who watches Lip Service, who thought the WPC arresting Alicia had a look of DS Sam Murray? (They’re popping up everywhere!)

I also caught a bit of Appropriate/Inappropriate Music in the Background too, as Ashley was complaining about his bacon and eggs being burned. We just happened to hear the words, ‘Sunny Side’ at the exact moment he was asking Val to cook him another breakfast!

Monday’s episode (by Caroline Mitchell) was a laugh-a-minute affair: Emmerdale at its best, and – like Paul Roundell’s last week, could have filled my Grins of the Week on its own!

Val: “This is still my business.”

Eric: “Half your business.”

Val: “Nevertheless, I’ve still got more right to be here than this overstuffed cuckoo.”

Gennie: “Did my mum do that?”

Val: “As if she’d still be breathing if she had.”

Brenda: “So it’s all quiet on the Eastern Front, is it?”

Eric: “Western.”

Arthur: “Melissa Cuthbert trapped my finger in the door at school … so I hit her.”

Alicia: “Shut up. I’m warning you Val.”

Val: “Well, good luck with that.”

Amy (about Jake): “Aw man, you should have seen his little face.”

David: “I’ve seen his little face.”

Val: “The Doctor says it’s suffered considerable trauma.”

Chas: “Hmm? Yeah? The only trauma it’s suffered is being attached to your flippin’ face.”

Laurel: “It’s a ball. It giggles when it jiggles.”

Rhona: “Don’t we all?” (I wish!)

Amy: “Are you in any … immediate danger?”

Val: “No, but you are.”

Nikhil: “Baby. You’ve not eaten your sandwich. It’s not like you.”

Gennie: “What do you mean by that?”

PS Cameron and Chas got to have their ‘Dirty Bog Romp’ this week!

PS2 Hands up who else thought that when Hannah said it was £39.76, it was just for the two cartons of milk? I know rural shops are dear, but that did seem a bit steep!

PS3 Amy’s face looked as if it had been Tango-ed again on Friday (and the orange only went to her jawline again too, so she had a completely white neck). It’s been a while since she’s had that ‘look’.

PS4 Ashley said the rent he’d given to Laurel was a sub on his wages (even though they said they wouldn’t give him one?). Hang on … a sub on your wages that’s enough to pay the rent on a Vicarage? Now, that’s what I call a well-paid job. I need money. Can I have a job there? I promise not to steal the bread rolls.

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