It’s 6.30 on Monday 4th February and I’m only just posting this.
I still haven’t done the ‘behind the scenes’ admin for my previous two weeks’ blogs yet. Last week’s blog didn’t get posted until late on Monday afternoon (by which time I was almost beside myself with stress), and when I still hadn’t watched last Wednesday’s or Thursday’s Soaps by Friday night I finally had to admit to myself that there was no way I’d be able to get my Soapy Corners out this week.
So much work goes into them, and as I can’t bear to post anything less than ‘What I call’ 100% perfect (in my own eyes!); on balance I felt that it was better to post nothing than to have been at my wits’ end again in my attempt to put out a ‘full’ blog.
The reason for all of this is – of course – my father.
As you might know: he’s dying of cancer and is deteriorating further with every passing day. The carers are now coming in four times daily to attend to his ‘personal’ needs, he’s unable to even feed himself or drink from a proper cup any more and is pretty-much just hanging on by a thread now.
You’d think that would mean less work, but it’s actually more, as he wants to sit holding my hand most of the time when we’re on our own together, which means that I’ve barely been able to do anything this week other than try and keep on top of the washing, housework and constant stream of visitors/calls.
He’s also getting very forgetful (because of the morphine), and we’re constantly having to explain things to him. He can’t even use the TV remote any more, so whenever he wants the channel changed it’s a right kerfuffle trying to find him something he’s both interested in watching and has subtitles on it!
I’m already not even sure whether I’ll be able to get a blog out next week either, as wondering where on earth I’m going to find the time to do it makes my heart start pounding in my chest – literally!
I’ve ‘ad to ‘Sort ‘me ‘ead aht’!
I adore doing my Soapy Corners but I have to be realistic. Much as it’s my heart’s desire/goal; I don’t actually get paid for doing them, so have had to have a bit of a talk to myself and face up to the fact that if I continue to put myself under so much technically ‘unnecessary’ pressure while all this is going on, my health could end up being at risk too.
There’s SO much I want to write about what happened last week in Soapland (and I’m still two episodes behind on EastEnders!) but I hope that if you’re a Soapy Corner regular reader you’ll understand and just bear with me until I’m able to post another blog.
We’re playing a ‘waiting game’ here – not least my dad (who’s disappointed every morning now as he realises that he’s woken up alive again), and we’re all just wondering as to how long we’ll be keeping up our rota caring for him.
It’s lucky that my two brothers (+ one wife and one girlfriend) are all around to share the load, and our rota/shift system has worked remarkably well so far, but it’s very emotionally draining for all of us, and with me also being Executor/the eldest/the daughter, I can’t help but feel that additional burden of pressure on top of everything else.
And there’s more to come …
What happens NEXT is looming ever-larger too. It’s not just the thought of the funeral, but everything else that’s going to follow on from there too – not least the fact that once the house is sold we’ll not only lose the life-long sanctuary of a family home/base, but that I’ll have nowhere to live either!
It’s certainly focussing my mind (as you can imagine), and the need to earn a proper wage in order to support myself has suddenly become a reality again.
When I gave up work six years ago to write I’d hoped that ‘the story of my life’ wasn’t going to repeat itself this time (every time I’ve ever been on the verge of some sort of success or something good happening, life’s come along and scuppered it).
Unfortunately, that’s exactly what seems to have happened (so far), and looks to be happening again now. I’d really hoped that my Soapy Corners might have secured me some sort of regular Soapy-related income by now but – alas – it hasn’t happened yet.
About a year ago I received an email asking me if I’d like to pen a big storyline for one of the Soaps. I thought (for at least four minutes) that my luck had finally changed, but it turned out to be a hoax from a fake email address. Who’d do that, aye?
That’s the sort of thing that happens to me though. I could give you lots of other examples of how unlucky I am but I’m sure you’ve got enough problems of your own without wanting to read about mine!
If you’re a regular reader of mine you’ll know that there’s been more than one occasion in the past where I’ve felt like throwing in the towel, but there’s just something which keeps driving me on. A few little things happened last week which could really have made me give up for good, but I read a tweet on Friday which got me thinking and gave me a whole new perspective on it all. (God, I love Twitter!)
Giving up on my writing’s just not an option for me, but I’m just going to have to step back for a short while in order to take care of my dad (and myself!). If I can get those Soapy Corners out this weekend I will, but if not I’ll be aiming for the following week, so – once again – apologies for that.
I’ll still be doing my Soapy Spot on Alastair Greener’s Big Mid-morning show from 10.45-11.15 on Thursday and co-presenting my TGI Friday show with Paul Dawkins from 4.00-5.00 pm on Friday; both on Swindon 1055.com, and ‘Jane’s Soapy Corners’ are LIVE as usual from 6.00-6.30 pm on Wednesday nights on Tellyspy.
‘Jane’s Soapy Corners’ have also gone digital. Simply download the Podcasts App onto your iPhone or iPad then search for Tellyspy and they’re all there.
Have a good week everyone!