Queen Vic Corner – 9th December 2012

(You can hear me talking Soaps 10.45-11.15 am every Thursday; 4.00-5.00 pm Fridays on Swindon 1055.com CLICK HERE TO LISTEN and on my internet Soap Show 6.00-6.30 pm Wednesdays on TellyspyCLICK HERE TO LISTEN)

Alfie’s left it too late to make a killing; Shirley finds out that Ben got four years for killing Heather, and all this flamin’ German Christmas stuff will be the death of me …

Right. Let’s get at it.

How did Alfie find the time (or the money) to tart that van up, and where did he get the money from to buy all that tat anyway? Everyone was telling him that he was just meant to have been ‘getting samples’. Now; as EastEnders is meant to be set in ‘real time’, that would have made it Monday, the 3rd of December when he arrived back in the Square, yes?

Surely if he was bringing samples for people to order from so that he could go back to Germany and buy more, he should have gone at the beginning of November, NOT December, as by the time he’d got the orders and then gone back again (not to mention leaving the pub in the run-up to Christmas), he’d have totally missed the boat.

The whole point of Christmas decorations etc is that you put them up before Christmas. Most people put their deccies up during the second week of December; rendering Alfie’s trip a total waste of time.

No snow? Well, there you go …

When Alfie got back (and Kat wasn’t there) he said he’d told her he was going to be back early, yet later on that day she said to him, “If you’d told me you were getting back earlier I could have been there”. He DID, love, and why on earth was he giving her a load of presents, anyway? Surely he’d save them till Christmas? Where’s all the money coming from? That pub must make a mint.

We had Fatboy wailing that he couldn’t get any fake snow. Who even cares?

As if it’s not bad enough having Alfie expounding, “We’ve got everything we need to make this the best fairm-lee Christmas ever,” we’ve now got Ian announcing to Denise, “You’ve got yourselves a fruit and veg war,” too.

Oh, please God, no. This show’s got more padding that Father Christmas’s jacket. One person who’d never be able to get a job as Santa though, is Lucy. That girl’s looking like the wishbone from the turkey. I’m really concerned about her weight, poor thing.

You tell ’em, Shirl

I’m concerned (well, not really) about all this Lexi business. I STILL (another week on) can’t fathom out what Phil’s plan is, but Shirley’s done her best to warn everyone about him this week.

The only one who seems to take her seriously is Jack, who thinks he’s moving in on Sharon. How’s that then, Jack? Are you sure about that?

Come on Shirley; get in there and sort ‘im ‘aht. I love Shirley. She needs to go and ‘ave a word with Michael too, for saying “You know what birds are like: minds like sieves.” That ain’t on, mate, alright? Now, what was I about to write next?

Oh, yes (ooh, I’ve got a mind like a sieve): Joey. Shirley wants to get round there and ‘sort ‘im aht’ too for smashing that reindeer’s nose. I loathe mindless violence, and it genuinely upsets me to see characters in Soaps lashing out and damaging other people’s property.

What message do you think this gives impressionable, young viewers (a HUGE part of EastEnders’ audience): that it’s perfectly acceptable to go round trashing the place just because you’re a bit cross? Not on. Not in anyone’s book, ok?

I fink you might need a bit of conditioner on this …

Who feels sorry for Abi? Nobody ever tells her anything! I’m very glad to see Ava back again this week (fleetingly). More, please.

I’m glad Bianca’s back too (and Carol – I like her). I enjoy Bianca’s bits. She’s such a funny character but can suddenly have you feeling dead sorry for her too. That’s good acting, that is. I especially loved the expression on her face when she got hold of Lauren’s hair this week!

There were a couple of bits (there were probably more, but I couldn’t make the others out) of Appropriate/Inappropriate Music in the Background, with ‘Rockin Around the Christmas Tree’ playing as B’s mob were all stood around talking about how they couldn’t afford a tree, and the line, ‘You bring sadness’ was singing-out as Laurel looked forlornly at Joey.

The best moment of the year surely had to be when Alfie told Tommy to be a good boy and he said “No”. Brilliant bit of acting (or ad-libbing?) there. Give that boy an orange.

Hey. Four Grins of the Week. That’s more than the whole of last month!

Carol (about Alice): “Maybe she’s missing her mum?”

Derek: “I was in the nick for ten years and I didn’t miss her once.”

Bianca: “I don’t like that shirt; it looks like wee.”

Phil: “I reckon they’ve ‘ad a tip off. You know? They’re trying to catch us out.”

Sharon: “A tip off? We’re planning to foster, not the Brink’s-Mat robbery.”

Bianca (about Lola): “It’s like a pox on a rat, innit? Every time a client comes in.”


* Why was Liam in school uniform? I thought he’d left?

* Abi said to Jay, “It’s only community service.” Exactly. Those words sum it up completely. Community service isn’t seen as punishment. No wonder this country’s in such a state!

* Would they really have had an ad that size in the paper, just for a manager’s job in a Launderette?

* Four years for that little guinea pig? Forty wouldn’t be long enough, in my book.

* Ian told Denise to wash the orange before she ate it. Unless she’s a bit strange she probably wouldn’t bother to eat the skin, mate …

* Kat was reading her ‘Hiya’ magazine this week.

* Why couldn’t Derek have just bought Bianca’s mob a Christmas tree? He’s always got a never-ending supply of cash.

* Phil didn’t have any milk (how does anyone ever run out of milk? If you always keep a pack of long-life milk (I use Moo Organic skimmed; it’s lovely) in the cupboard for emergencies you’ll always be ok) when he KNEW the social worker was coming. It wouldn’t have taken him a second to bustle over to the Minute Mart.

* If Alfie wanted German food he only had to go down the road to Aldi or Lidl. Stupid man.

* Alfie was banging-on about getting another candle. It wasn’t a scented one, and how did a massive big candle like that burn down so quickly, anyway (especially as Kat blew it out as soon as she saw it)?

If you agree (or disagree!) with anything I’ve written this week, come and tell me why on ‘Jane’s Soapy Corners’, LIVE on Tellyspy between 6.00-6.30 pm every Wednesday night!



No comments yet.

Leave a Reply