Queen Vic Corner – 3rd November 2013

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Lingering looks; good looking lads, Halloween horrors and carrier bags. Corks are popping, but someone’s popped their clogs. Oh dearie me. Whatever next?

Not only is ‘Queen Vic Corner’ back for the first time since January, but last week was pretty-much the first time I’d seen EastEnders since Tanya left. Ian opening the restaurant was the thing that really finished me off, and the thought of having to start watching again filled me with gloom.

After having watched only the first three minutes of Monday’s episode it felt as if nothing had changed – even over the best part of a year. Ronnie, Roxy, Alfie and Kat’s lingering looks … ‘Oh, just shoot me now’, I thought to myself in despair.

Groundhog Year

It would seem that they’re due to be reunited (again?) quite soon. I stand by what I was saying at the beginning of the year: Kat and Alfie used to be one of my favourite Soap couples, but after so many breakups it all feels so unrealistic and the thought of putting them back together YET AGAIN just seems ‘beyond tedious’ to me.

The only thing that might rescue this one for me is knowing that there’s a new couple coming in to take over the Vic. The thought of those two behind the bar again is enough to turn anyone to drink, although I’d be more than happy to nip in for a drink while Alfie’s still in charge.

Fill your boots!

Within five seconds of walking in (after another holiday?) he’d announced that it was “Drinks all round” and later on was giving free champagne away to everyone! That place must make one hell of a profit if he can afford to go giving so much stuff away ‘on the house’.

‘Oh, here we go; she’s moaning about EastEnders again’ you might be thinking, and you’d be right … except that (as the episode went on) I soon found myself laughing out loud and getting quite into it.

My heart sank when Ronnie appeared though. I’d thought were well shot of her miserable face, and had been aghast to read that she was coming back. I’d even delayed starting watching it again by a week so as to be spared her and Jack’s turgid goodbyes (and having to see him again too; his character always bored me rigid), but I actually thought she was great.

You’re ‘avin a larff? Actually, yes!

Her and Roxy have great chemistry together, and the scenes where they were playing cards with Phiwl were very funny indeed – as was a lot of this week’s content – namely Monday and Tuesday’s episodes; written by Katie Douglas. More of her please!

The lack of humour in EastEnders has always been one of my biggest complaints about the show. Sharon Marshall’s episodes are always full of one-liners, but I’ve barely managed to raise a smile over the last couple of years (apart from when I see Billy Mitchell’s strange orange-y hair), and there have been weeks which haven’t even had ONE line funny enough to use in my Grins of the Week. No danger of that THIS week though, and what a week to start back.

Dracula’s younger brother

Michael. Ah, Michael. What a guy. Deeply flawed and extremely complex; it’s sometimes difficult to watch him (as his character often seems completely implausible), but it’s equally hard to take your eyes off him, and he was at his psychopathic worst this week.

Chilling to the end; I thought he was actually going to take a bite out of Kat’s neck when he stood behind her and kissed her, although that would involve eating, and Michael’s never seemed to do the whole ‘eating’ thing.

“Do I look like I eat chips?” he asked Kat in astonishment. It got me thinking: what would he eat? The only thing that sprung to mind was something ‘Washed down with a nice Chianti … fufufufufufufh‘!

All change!

I’ve been shocked at the change in Alice. I’d barely have recognised her; she just looks like Lucy in a bad black wig now, and talking of changes: I’d been gutted to read that the original Peter was being replaced with a new ‘pretty boy’ actor (eye candy for the teenage girls, I guess?), but now that I’ve seen him I think I might just manage to get over it.

Raaar. He’s such a good looking lad, and has THE most gorgeous voice that I’m completely smitten, which is quite a result (!), but I digress …

Aaand back to Michael.

The knives were out for Michael

The scenes between him and Janine were toe-tingling. Since my two favourite actors (Tanya and Zainab) left, there’s now only two left who I really enjoy watching (well, three now, if you include Peter!) and one of those is Janine. She’s a superb actress, and I’m jolly glad that it wasn’t her who got stabbed!

“The one night with Alice was infinitely more fulfilling than the endless times I’ve had to labour over your carcass,” Michael taunted. Talk about ‘twisting the knife’, but Janine took her final revenge as she plunged an actual knife into his bony back and he fell to the floor.

I’d half expected him to jump up (in an a lá his namesake/separated-at-birth brother Michael Barrymore sort-of way!) and wrestle her to the ground, and – let’s be honest – it took Alice that long to open the door to the Police it’s a wonder they hadn’t turned each other into a pair of patchwork quilts.

If only there had been a clue …

I’m assuming that his idiotic throwing away of the white carrier bag (AS IF someone as calculating as Michael would literally just drop a VITAL piece of evidence like that on the ground!) will end up being of vital importance now, although the fact that they focussed on it blowing away means that’ll it’ll probably be a while before it’s discovered and the (presumed) charges against Janine can be dropped?

“Life is death, Alice. It has to end that way. All we’re doing is moving it forward a little,” Michael had explained (as he’d tried to ‘rationalise’ his murder plot to his unwilling cohort), but it was HIS demise that came a little more prematurely than he’d enivsaged.

Was he doing it all for Scarlett, or was The Grim Reaper’s Apprentice just completely barking? We’ll never know now, but I’ll certainly miss his creepy visage around the Square.

Looking on the bright side:

So. What a week for ‘Queen Vic Corner’ to come back on. High drama and even a few laughs, but is it a one-off, or has EastEnders turned a comedy corner? Let’s see what I’m able to write next week, but for THIS week I’m very pleased to be able to give you some EastEnders Grins of the Week!

Billy: “You ain’t got any of them protein shakes, ‘ave ya?”

Denise: “Second shelf down, between the caviar and the quail’s eggs.”

Janine: “I’m here to invite you all to a very special occasion this afternoon.”

David: “What? You’re leaving town?”

Fats: “You must have been born with a beer pump in your hand. It’s just too natural.” (Ooh, missus!)

Kat: “Do I take that as a compliment?”

Michael: “Tam … Tam … That’s what they call you, innit? Is that a term of endearment?”

PS

* There’s always usually a blindingly-obvious link between the acting and the background songs in EastEnders’ Appropriate/Inappropriate Music in the Background, but it was a little bit more subtle this week.

Michael turned on some Classical music: Schubert’s Schwanengesang, (which means ‘Swan Song’: ‘a final gesture, effort, or performance given just before death or fabled to be sung by a dying man’.) Well, they got that one right, didn’t they?!

* I see Amy’s acting skills haven’t improved while I’ve been away; still sat there like a stunned mullet.

* Why, oh why did they have to put that crack of thunder at the exact moment Alice said she’d agree to help Michael kill Janine? It was SO fake (THERE WAS NO STORM!), and completely ruined the dramatic tension of the scene. (You can go too far, guys. The ‘Moon’ moon? Know what I’m saying? Kills the moment – every time.)

* I might be a bit behind, but was it meant to be Whitney’s first day in that job? If so, why was she already on her own doing playground duty, and is that a different Liam, or has he just slimmed down?

* I LOVE Tiffany. That girl just gets better and better.

* Why do people in Soaps always put bottles of champagne on a table/bar etc without a ‘condom’ on? It’d be the temperature of a Chinese laundry in five minutes flat.