Queen Vic Corner – 2nd October 2011

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Oh my. Who can it be hopping out of that van? Surely it’s not Tyler? Wasn’t he in Intensive Care last week? Must have been someone else …

Besides, I’m far too busy being scared of Ben to think about that. He’s ‘ard, he is: hard as soup.  Trashing the Minute Mart; it was well-scary. He should have had a lesson off Vanessa first, I reckon. She made a far better job of up-ending Max and Tanya’s love-nest.

Yusef - EastEnders - Jane Reynolds' weekly 'Queen Vic Corner' reviewOk. I’m really getting bored with the Creepy Doctor now. His black looks and his black clothes are like a black cloud over the place and are really getting me down. If I was Zainab, I’ve have had seconds of that contaminated curry if I’d have had him as a dinner companion.

Poor Zee. How could Mas even think of divorcing her, especially as he’s such a man of honour. “I could never turn my back on any of you,” he declared angrily. Er, is this the same guy who disowned his son for being gay, and divorced his wife over the kitchen table?  No, must have been someone else …

Tyler & Anthony - EastEnders - Jane Reynolds' weekly 'Queen Vic Corner' reviewIt’s been quite a ‘gay’ week. Tyler and Anthony had a ‘lover’s tiff’, and I could have sworn Anthony called Tyler darling at one point), but I’m happy to see they made it up and were back to manhandling each other by Thursday. That’s probably why Ty was so keen to nab Whitney.

What was all that about in the Square, aye? He must really be desperate to “Let off steam,” as he described it (whatever that means – I’m sure I’ve got no idea!), but I reckon he should just embrace his sexuality – as should Ben. One word from him and all that ‘Nasty business’ with Patrick could have been stopped.

Patrick - EastEnders - Jane Reynolds' weekly 'Queen Vic Corner' reviewWhy do all the gay male characters in Soaps call each other ‘mate’ by the way? It’s hardly romantic, is it? “Orrright, mate?” “Yeah mate.” Love Story it ain’t, and I’m not sure Ben was kissing Duncan’s mouth in that Alley either (probably just needs a bit more practise), but I really thought Patrick was being lovely to him – and SO understanding, until he went and ruined it by saying that at least his sons were ‘normal’.

Christian - EastEnders - Jane Reynolds' weekly 'Queen Vic Corner' reviewTo be honest, Ben should look no further than the Square’s number-one ‘Out and Proud’ Resident, Christian for someone to talk to, although when he sat down with Ben and said “There are people out there that understand; that’ll listen,” I expected the next line to be either him saying “Is there anything you want to tell me Ben?”, OR Ben saying “Me an Duncan, we’ve kissed, and now he won’t talk to me ‘an I don’t know what to do,” but what happened? He stood up and walked off. That’s really helpful that, ‘mate’.

Phil handled the Patrick thing in his usual way, but was supportive of Ben. Oh, how that’s going to change when he finds out the truth! It’ll be a nightmare – nearly as bad as the nightmare I had when I woke up from a dream that I’d been forced to move into the B&B. Those primary colours – and Kim in that banana dress (“Moira Stewart on a sunny day”!), left me very unsettled, I can tell you.

Kim - EastEnders - Jane Reynolds' weekly 'Queen Vic Corner' reviewThat’s not to say I wouldn’t live with Kim. Anyone who can make me laugh like she can could even share my last Marks & Spencer Jumbo Peanut (and that’s saying something). It was great to see her get ‘Funniest Performance’ at the Inside Soap Awards this week. I’ve said since her first-ever week that she deserved to win something.

Kat and Kim are a great double-act (not Kath and Kim,* my two favourite Aussie funny girls. They’d make a great pair of long-lost and – of course – never previously-mentioned, Mitchell cousins!)

In the Vic - EastEnders - Jane Reynolds' weekly 'Queen Vic Corner' reviewPhil really is a nasty piece of work, isn’t he? No wonder Ben’s scared of him, but a group of them certainly gave him ‘What for’ in the Vic (that was well-written and well-acted, wasn’t it?), and it finally gave Heather the courage to stand up to him too.

Phil: “Heather, kettle.”

‘Ev: “No.”

Phil: “Wass’up? Jay eaten all your cheese?”

Tyler assumed Whitney was a virgin (as if!), but I then thought he was only after seducing her to get over being bagged-up, so it was a bit of a surprise (on one level anyway), when he suddenly burst into the Vic to announce, “I’m gonna marry that girl.” Cue the line: “Actually, she’s an ex-prossie.” That dampened his ardour.

‘What’s playing in the Vic this week? Ah, I’ve just made a discovery. I was just on the website and found a page which tells you all the music played in that Episode. Thank goodness. It means I won’t have to sit there for five minutes trying to work out what they are (and usually failing – like this week).

Who gets the Fake drinking from an obviously empty mug Ooh, it’s Ben, who forgot to swallow when he and Patrick were chatting.

Grins of the week:

Whitney - EastEnders - Jane Reynolds' weekly 'Queen Vic Corner' reviewHeather: “I’m moving out.”

Phil: “See ya.”

Tyler: “Do you sleep on your front?”

Whitney: “Dunno, why?”

Tyler: “Can I sleep on it then?”

Whitney: “I don’t get it.” Neither will he with chat-up lines like that!

Dot (about Ian): “Since he’s had his hair cut, there’s nothing abnormal about him.” (Some might disagree!)

Kim (wanting Masood to do some decorating): “It’s either that, or I seduce him.”

PS Thank God they wrote that line for Dot “I ain’t responsible for the grammar,” as she’d been made to stood there with ‘You’re’ spelled Your. They taught grammar in my day. Schools used to think it was important then …

PPS I was worried about Michael turning ‘nice’ last week. I didn’t need to have worried. He was back to his horrible self this week. “Desperation is SO unattractive. Especially in someone of your age. You’re a scrounger, who sleeps her way from one pay cheque to another,” he sneered at Vanessa …

Phil & Ben - EastEnders - Jane Reynolds' weekly 'Queen Vic Corner' reviewHas Ben put weight on? (He’s looking more and more like his dad!) Has Ian put weight on? It’s middle-aged spread in his case, and I should know!

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