Queen Vic Corner – 23rd September 2012

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Sharon’s a man-eater; Syed’s a mind-reader; Lola does a magic act and I’m going out of my mind with boredom …

I’m still seething after feeling so cheated by all that Kat and Alfie stuff last week, and going by the evidence we’ve seen this week, the field’s been narrowed down even further. Max has proposed to Tanya and Jack’s admitted to really liking Sharon. That only leaves Derek.

If I still cared, I’d tell you how much I want it to be Der–

Billy, don’t be a cleaner

Oh, enough already. Let’s talk about Billy’s cleaning business, shall we? How daft was that scene where three tabard-wearing extras (who we’d never seen working for Butcher’s Buffers before) walked through the Square then rolled their eyes theatrically and walked away when Billy told them he was going to have to downsize?

How daft was that other scene where the near-naked guy from ‘Buff‘ cleaners came down Kim’s stairs? She told Billy they were cheaper. Don’t be silly, Kimmie. You pay more for ‘that’ sort of company, not less!

If Kim wants cheap cleaners she’d better not get Lola and Jay. They ‘deep cleaned’ CC’s Charity shop (IN ONLY AN HOUR?), but Lola was able to buy herself a massive pile of baby stuff for Lexi out of her share of the money. Presumably she and Jay split their fee, so what on earth must they have charged her?

For My Next Trick …

Michael was stood outside Janine’s boarded-up office but Lola and Jay were inside. How did they do that? Lola’s clearly got some sort of magic powers. She gets into boarded-up buildings, and can have a right hand covered in wet red paint (while holding the baby in her left hand), then answer her phone with that same hand and not get any paint on it, then a few minutes later have a left hand covered in red paint.

She’s a clever girl, and should be giving Derren Brown a run for his money. She must be a hypnotist too, as she’s clearly hypnotised the whole Square not to even ask who the baby’s father is. Ooh, it’s that word again … credibility.

A Double-act with Syed?

Joey’s not ‘playing the game’, so Derek’s adopted 70s catalogue model Tyler instead. They went out for a curry to celebrate their new business venture and Syed told them there was an offer on wine.

Syed’s another one who should be considering an alternative career (being a market trader clearly isn’t his forte), as he didn’t need to ask Derek whether he wanted red, white or rosé.

Rosé’s pink, and so was Michael. What had he come as (again) this week? Looking like that; if he’d told Janine he’d been having an affair with Syed I don’t think she’d have been surprised. That pink, pink shirt and ‘teased’ hair was a very metrosexual (at best!) look. Maybe Syed should have just used his ‘magic powers’ to get the money off him …

“I’ll take care of the firm and you take care of the child,” Michael had told Billy. Yes, Billy and Michael: the Square’s latest pair of same-sex parents. Could have worked … but then Janine went and spoiled it all by cutting off Michael’s line of credit. Ha, nice one Janice. Surely she wouldn’t want baby Scarlett to go without though, would she? How’s that all going to work then, if he’s got no money?

Kat-a-Likes

Michael could have gone and asked Alfie for a job (seeing as he’ll take on anyone who asks), but it’ll be all change now that Phil’s back in charge. Thank God for that. It’s a relief not to have to see that pair behind the bar any more, although Jean tried her best to be a Kat-a-like with a face covered in slap on Monday.

I’ve got to be honest: there’s not a single storyline that I’m interested in right now. Not one. I haven’t even got the joy of hearing Kim say ‘Janice‘ for the next six months, and if I didn’t write this blog I’d be knocking it on the head.

I’ll have to settle for resting my eyes on Tanya, AJ, Kim, CC and Zainab to pass the time until something interesting happens …

They DID manage a couple of Grins of the Week for us though:

Zainab: “I don’t mean to nag, Tamwar.”

Tam: But you’re succeeding anyway.”

Billy: “You know me.”

Sharon: “That’s not exactly a selling-point, is it?”

PS

* Sharon had her ‘man-eating’ face on as she got ready to pounce on Jack. Scary. Very scary!

* Derek said “Why are French and Saunders behind the bar?” Did he mean Jean and Mo, or Jean and Fats? I wasn’t really sure (seriously)!

* Why do the Masoods always just sit around talking when there’s a table full of hot food? In my family the talking comes during, not before!

* So Billy’s off now too? To suddenly have to look after his kids? No doubt Honey’ll have some sort of problem and he’ll have to stay longer, so I guess we won’t be seeing him again for six months either?

* What’s happened to Whiney? Hasn’t she got a job at the Creche – or did she get the sack? I don’t know. I don’t care, and isn’t she meant to be working for Janine too, looking after Scarlett? How can she even afford to be away for so long?

* Kim’s going to get her own spin-off show. Now THAT should be worth watching!

* I’m alarmed again this week on seeing Lucy’s size. It can’t be good for her to be this thin, surely?

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