Alfie married Roxy. Shortest marriage in history

EastEnders Christmas Logo - Jane Reynolds's weekly 'Queen Vic Corner' reviewYou can hear me talking Soaps 10.30-11.00 am every Thursday on Swindon (or simply use the tunein Radio App) and on my internet Soap Show 6.00-6.30 every Thursday on Tellyspy.

Emotional roller coasters; scooter rides and viewers being taken for a ride.

Screen Shot 2013-11-30 at 18.06.40So, it finally happened. Alfie married Roxy. Shortest marriage in history? There wasn’t much point in the ‘Stay faithful unto her for as long as you both shall live’ bit. ‘Stay faithful until the end of the ceremony’ might have been more appropriate.

You could have heard an empty vodka bottle drop as Alfie realised what he’d done, and it was real edge-of-your-seat stuff. Roxy was brilliant, and Alfie genuinely looked as if he’d married a woman but wished he hadn’t – which he had, but as for what happened next: no, no, no, no … NOOOO!

I’ve often criticised EastEnders in the past for stretching ‘artistic licence’ to its very limits, but this was ‘Summat else’! I have never seen such a ridiculously over-contrived and unbelievable storyline, and watched with increasing incredulity as events unfolded.

AS IF someone would just give up his moped like that.

AS IF Bianca would have had enough money in her purse to give Alfie for a ticket.

AS IF he’d have known where to go to and BUY that ticket; had just the right amount of cash to pay for it (surely it would have cost a lot of money to buy one at such short notice?), and wouldn’t have also had to stand in a queue for an hour to get it.

AS IF he could have even bought an airline ticket without a passport.

AS IF they’d have let him past the gate.

AS IF he’d have been allowed to run up to the plane, bang on its doors and then be let in!

AS IF the other passengers would have all sat there silently without complaint about the delay.

Yes. This has to be THE most ridiculous thing I’ve EVER SEEN on a soap. Do they think we’re stupid? I know it’s only a soap, but we do need a teensy BIT of realism, surely?

imagesThey could have had him catch up with her in the traffic jam and we’d have all wept buckets of joy rather than cry tears of anger and frustration at having to witness such a feeble attempt to give us the big Hollywood ending.

Having said all that … I DID wail like Bridget Jones at the end when they kissed on the tarmac, but EastEnders; please, please keep them together now, as for either of them to have another affair would just be one (more) step too far, ok?

Screen Shot 2013-11-30 at 18.11.19In other news: Ava was shocked to find that Sam only wanted her for her son’s kidneys (oh, the romance), and Roxy told us that Amy ‘didn’t get it’. Does she ever? Queen Victoria’s bust on the bar is more clued-up.

As one character leaves (that’s it Sam. Get your bag and off you go. Bye now. Mind you don’t miss your train) then another one arrives, and it’s a joy to have Shirley back.

Screen Shot 2013-11-30 at 18.25.19 “Tina sends her apologies. She’s at home, puking up,” she told Alfie in Church. Her deadpan delivery and miserable gob are a joy to watch!

I’m also loving her sister Tina. They’re a great new comic partnership (even Tina’s hair was a laugh this week), and she was trying to give Kat’s Tats a run for their money too, but Tina’s Tats are no match for that rack (are anyone’s?)!

“He’s doing it again, Shirl. He’s undressing me with his eyes,” she joked to Shirley about Phil. I like it when Phil gets a few comic lines too. So much better than being a bully. I’d love to see the three of them do more scenes together. They’d be a scream behind the bar of the Vic!

The other bits:

I’ve had to write this post in more of a rush than Alfie trying to get to Kat on Monday so just haven’t had time to do this week’s Appropriate/Inappropriate Music in the Background, but there was an awful lot of it this week- believe me!

Screen Shot 2013-11-30 at 18.24.07Our Grins of the Week are a bit thin on the ground again too:

Tina: “You could be the man to ‘turn me’.”

Phil: “The only thing that’s turning round here is my stomach.”

Shirley: “Boris Johnson in a bra could pull Billy Mitchell.” (That’ll probably be coming up next week!)

Screen Shot 2013-11-30 at 18.22.27Tina: “Would you rather see West Ham win the Premier League or– “

Billy: “Yes.”

Tina: “I haven’t told you the alternative yet.”

Billy: “It doesn’t matter; still be a yes.”


Screen Shot 2013-11-30 at 12.56.39* Bianca. Your skin tone and hair colour are like mine. Trust me; yeller’s SO not your colour.

Screen Shot 2013-11-30 at 18.20.53*What were that Jake and Sadie doing at the wedding (other than to be there for Lauren to stare at)? What are they to Roxy and Alfie?

* Couldn’t resist putting up a picture of lovely Peter. Oh, isn’t he the cutest thing?

* Was Kirsty’s skirt even an actual skirt?

* You wouldn’t have thought Alfie would have even had to ask Ronnie where Kat had gone. They all (and only) ever to to Spain!


YOU MIGHT ALSO ENJOY MY YAHOO!TV SOAP ARTICLE: WHAT WE LEARNT FROM LAST WEEK’S SOAPS’. (Original material, not duplicated from this post.) A humorous look at this week’s money/time-saving tips and hints from Soapland!

No comments yet.

Leave a Reply