Here's (the text from) last week's YahooTV! postings:

Here’s the text from the post “What We Learnt From The Soaps Last Week” that I wrote for YahooTV!’s Soap section for the week 18th-22nd November. To see the post on Yahoo, click here:

Shirley returned to Albert Square in ‘EastEnders’ last week, determined to make a new start. It’s always good to have a goal in life, and Shirley soon set about her task with gusto.

If – like Shirley – your skill set is limited (and your appearance would probably rule out the possibility of working as a children’s entertainer, for example) then just put your ‘slap’ and your shortest skirt on (not recommended for male readers) and begin your search at a convenience store convenientlysituated within a fifty yard radius of where you’re standing.

A small amount of emotional blackmail may be necessary in order to help secure a position, but once you’ve done that successfully you’ll also need to find yourself some accommodation. Always look for something locally – so as to avoid that tiresome daily commute – and be sure to have a cash sum available to ‘seal the deal’.

If this is an issue for you then simply request that your new employer make you an advance on your wages. As your salary will clearly be substantial (enough for a deposit on a property before you’ve even started) this shouldn’t present a problem, but if that option does prove unsuccessful then pop across the Square to your local branch of Max Bank for guaranteed instant access to funds.

Yes. If – like Lauren – you don’t even ‘need an occasion’ to want a new top, then simply put out your hand and Max Bank will provide you with the necessary amount required. Max Bank helped several Albert Square residents this week alone, and also offered both free restaurant visits and a choice of fast food options as a bonus.

If urban living isn’t for you then country life may be more suitable. For a mere sixty thousand poundsyou could become the new owner of a delightful cottage in the lovely village of ‘Emmerdale’. There’s just one small caveat: you’d be responsible for the welfare and upkeep of its resident pensioner.

This task requires minimal effort; involving little more than listening to idle gossip on a daily basis and escorting said pensioner home from the local hostelry when she experiences bouts of light-headedness and her memory becomes impaired.

Like the Max Bank in ‘EastEnders’, this village also has its own source of funding available to local residents. After little Amelia’s mistaken assumption that money had simply ‘fallen out of the sky’ into her hands last week, landlady Chas discovered that the source of her good fortune was none other than the Macey Bank (of which best friend Katie is a valued customer).

Unfortunately for Ms Dingle, it appeared that her offer to go and stand in the street in order to receive a similar reward to Amelia’s was rejected, but as she has since been spotted on holiday in Australia, one can only assume that she did eventually manage to successfully secure funding for her trip?

Other methods of increasing your earning potential are available though, and in ‘Coronation Street’ this week, Beth gave us an example of how to use our entrepenurial side in order to earn some valuable extra income in the run-up to Christmas. Simply persuade your knicker-stitching niece to knock up a few extra pairs in her spare time and you could also find yourself in the running for a productivity bonus.

If all these options fail to reap a reward you may wish to consider a return to formal education as a more traditional route towards achieving your goal of increasing your earning potential. Commitment and enthusiasm are both essential requirements. Contact a Mr Steve McDonald for further information. You’ll find him in the pub …

Some excellent suggestions there – which will hopefully inspire and motivate you to come up with your own money-making ideas in the days ahead. Come back next week for more useful advice from the world of soaps.

Here’s the text from the post “What We Learnt From The Soaps Last Week” that I wrote for YahooTV!’s Soap section for the week 18th-22nd November. It features all the ‘Grins of the Week’ from my Soapy Corners but with added comments! To see the post on Yahoo, click here:

As well as providing us with gripping drama and excitement, British soaps also treat us to some of the funniest comedy on TV.

Here’s the pick of the one-liners from last week’s ‘Coronation Street’, ‘Emmerdale’ and ‘Eastenders’:

In ‘EastEnders’ this week, they were discussing a recently departed resident.
Alfie: “About tomorrow’s funeral: I don’t think there’s going to be a big turnout.”
Janine: “That’s cos no one liked him.”

A previously departed resident returned (from the dead, many had thought):
Shirley: “What (music) would you have played at my funeral?”
Phil: “Bat out of hell?”

With a new, positive attitude:
Shirley: “I want to make a new start.”
Phil: “What as – a children’s entertainer?”

And a brand new lesbian sister with problems:
Tina: “Must be in my genes.”
Shirley: “Yeah. Like half the women in London.”

Shirley’s always been one for ‘telling it how it is’:
Denise: “I’m fed up with people thinking I’m a pushover.”
Shirley: “You don’t mind them thinking you’re an ‘eartless cow though?”

And someone else sort-of told the truth too:
Lauren: “What you lookin’ at?”
Joey: “The prettiest girl in Walford … she’s right behind you.”

Sometimes it’s hard to have to bite your tongue when you’re sat alone in a kitchen:
Terry: “Bianca not about?’
David : ” … Not unless she’s hiding under the table (!)”

Although some people ‘speak as they find’:
Roxy’s palm reader: “They say he’s a kind man; gentle disposition.”
Aunt Sal: “They called it ‘simple’ in my day.”

Some people don’t give you the answer you’d expected:
Joey: “Do you know anything about wine?”
Kat: “Yeah. It gets you drunk.”

But you can occasionally get some good advice when you’re talking about men:
Denise: “Nothing wrong with a bit of window shopping, is there?”
Tina: “Just as long as you don’t ‘open your purse’!”

Up on ‘Coronation Street’, a concerned resident is giving advice to a pushy neighbour:
Mary: “Emily doesn’t need that kind of pressure Norris. She’s nearly ninety, for God’s sake.”
Emily: “I’m nowhere NEAR ninety!”

And someone’s blowing their own trumpet (again):
Sally: “I’ve got a lot of experience.”
Anna: “So I’ve heard.”

It’s usually sensible to keep your mouth shut and your ears open:
Kirk: “Beth reckons I’m a good listener.”
Carla: “Well, with her gob, I’d have thought it was a prerequisite.”

Except when you’re in the pub:
Marcus: “Do you want another drink?”
Eileen: “Er, let me think.” (A millisecond passes.) “Yeah.”

‘Pacing yourself’ is often recommended:
Beth: “Slow and steady wins the race.”
Sally: “It’s funny how it’s only ever the bone idle who say that.”

But if you’re in second place in a knicker-stitching race then be proud of yourself:
Beth : “Yeah, it’s me. Get over it.”
Fiz: “We can’t get over it. You hardly do a stroke.”

If colleagues dispute your boyfriend’s mathematical skills, query their assumption:
Beth: “Are you saying my fella can’t count?”
Sally: “I’m not going to answer that.”

And have your boyfriend confirm his credentials:
Kirk: “Counting was my favourite subject at school.”
Sally: “After what – colouring?”

Don’t lose your temper under any circumstances:
Julie: “Sally. You’re not being very dignified.”
Beth: “She’ll be ‘punchified’ in a second.”

But just focus on the prize:
Beth: “I am SOO nearly the winner. Do I get to wear a sash and tiara?”
Sean: “It’s not a beauty contest – luckily for you.”

And enjoy celebrating with your friends:
Sinead: “I don’t drink.”
Eva: “Well, what do you do for fun?”
Sinead: “Same as you, but I remember it the next day.”

Over in ‘Emmerdale’, someone’s drunk and is hurling abuse:
Val (bitterly): “Judith.”
Diane: “Who’s she?”
Chas: “Judas with a lisp?”
Val: “Shut it, you.”
Chas: “Ooh, she’s in ‘The Sweeney’ now!”

But not drunk enough not to know ‘what’s what’:
Diane: “Do you really want to be on your own for good?”
Val: “God, NO. I’d end up like you !”

She’s not thinking straight regarding her grieving husband:
Diane: “He’s lost.”
Val: “Do you think if I asked him nicely he’d stay lost?”

Although he isn’t really helping himself, is he?:
Eric: “You look a sight.”
Val: “I couldn’t care less.”

Somebody won’t get lost on the way to the pub:
Sandy: “Ashley drove me here in his new car.”
Diane: “You only live next door!”

A new car can turn a lady’s head. How about Rhona’s?:
Sandy: “Did he attract you?”
Edna: “Don’t be disgusting!”

Somebody had some explaining to do when it looked as if his alter-ego had been doing more than turning a lady’s head:
Rodney: “I didn’t do anything wrong.”
Georgia: “Oh, no. It was Hunter. He just borrowed your … ” (looking down at his flies).

He was doing it for the money. Someone else needed cash for a trip:
Victoria: “Will you ‘buy me out’ of Betty’s house? I’ve decided to go to Dublin.”
Diane: “And that’ll cost you sixty grand? You can fly there for thirty quid!”

And someone trying to sell a property was given useful advice:
Robbie: “Selling the houses off one by one; it’s a mug’s game. You want one buyer who’ll take the lot.”
Declan: “Why didn’t I think of that? Hold on a minute – I did.”

Some great one-liners for you again this week. I hope you’ve enjoyed them, but who’ll be making us grin next week? If it’s in a soap and it’s funny then you’ll be sure to find it here every Monday in our Soapy Smiles!

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