I’ve been frozen with fear, but I’m finally back!

img_3687Anyone who was a regular reader of my blog will know that it always included a ‘Sunrise (or Sunset) Over Swindon’, so here’s a lovely sunset to start us off, and thanks for having clicked on this page too!

Right. My last post was on 31st August 2014. At that time I’d thought I was about to restart my writing activities, but – alas – it wasn’t to be.

I’ve thought a lot about what I was actually going to say on the day I finally got round to doing this; whether I’d say that I’ve just been far too busy, or whether I’d tell the truth. I’m going with the latter, because I’m a very truthful person and have always been very honest in what I’ve written on this blog over the years.

So. The truth of it is that, over time, I’d reached a point where I’d been literally unable to open this page and start writing. What’s made it all feel so ridiculous to me though is the fact that I’d purposefully changed my job and reduced my working hours (as well as my income) so that I’d have more free time to be able to write!

Every morning I’ve woken up promising myself that today would be the day I’d write something, yet have simply not been able to, and have gone to bed every single night feeling wretched and ‘a failure’ for not being able to do something as simple as just keying a few words onto a screen.

I know why it is. As I’ve touched on in previous posts over the years; without exception, every time I’ve been on the verge of achieving any sort of success (i.e. earning a bit of money from my writing, or getting an Agent for my book), something completely unexpected (and usually so bizarre or unfair as to be almost unimaginable) has happened, and has simply kicked the stuffing out of me.

Every disappointment has made it harder and harder for me to pick myself up and carry on, and no matter how much I’ve ‘talked myself up’ and promised myself that I’ll ‘start tomorrow’; the psychological ‘knowing that whatever I do will just lead to another dead end’ has left me frozen and unable to write. Even though my head buzzes with ideas I simply haven’t been able to bring myself to even open up my website and look at it; let alone write on it.

For someone whose only real wish in the whole of their life has been to be a successful writer you can see how this isn’t an ideal situation! On a particularly bad day a couple of weeks ago though, I finally admitted to myself that I needed help.

Yesterday morning (Monday 26th September) I met with a man who talked with me for an hour and a half. I won’t say anything more about it in this post, but the goal I set myself during that talk was to get up today and write a post. Wow. A BIG goal.

I tried to put it out of my mind and carry on as normal for the rest of yesterday so as not to build up any fear and anxiety about what was clearly going to be a giant step for me, but here I am! I got up this morning and at 8:15 sat down to write this post. I’m also sat here in my pyjamas.

I never sit around in my pyjamas. I get up and get dressed, so I think that says something in itself, but the most important thing is that I’m here, doing it! It felt like the most natural thing in the world, and this is after two years of doing nothing. How you explain that, aye? I feel completely calm, and this feels completely natural. I also feel as if I could write and write all day.

To spare you having to read any more of my rambling though, I’ll stop here and go for a shower (it really doesn’t feel right not to be dressed by this time!), but ‘watch this space’, as I’m looking forward to putting all my plans into action, and I’ll take you with me on my journey if you’d like to come along.

And … breathe. You’ve done it, Jane!

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