Alice is well and truly in the frame for Michael's murder

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Fireworks are banging; Janine should be banged up; B’s back, and Alice has been stabbed in the back.

Yay, Bianca’s back, and – like me – she’s got a bit of catching up to do.

“Woss all the police doin ahtside Janine’s ‘aahse. She ain’t finally flipped an’ killed someone, ‘as she?” she cackled.

Aah, Bianca; ‘there’s many a true word spoken in jest’ as the old saying goes, but the only one laughing here is Janine herself as she – yet again – blatantly lies in order to wreak her twisted revenge on some poor person who’s crossed her.

Stabbed in the back: just like Michael was

This time it’s Alice on the end of it. Sweet, kind Alice, who has given us a stunning and utterly convincing performance as an innocent person banged up for a crime she didn’t commit.

It’s easy to sit and watch it on TV, but just imagine being in her situation for real. Each one of us will have been wrongly accused of – or blamed for – something we didn’t do at some point in our lives, but it’ll rarely be anywhere near as serious as being accused of murder, and Alice is well and truly in the frame for Michael’s.

Joey: one of life’s great thinkers

Joey’s struggling to believe it, but then Joey struggles with most things. I struggled to work out how, after throwing the glass as hard as he could out into the hallway (where it shattered into a million pieces) he was then seen picking bits of it up from the front of the sofa; behind where he’d been standing.

As if Joey wasn’t confused enough by it all, Kat just about finished him off with this remark: “The next time Janine ‘does the right thing’ it’ll be the first time.” Work that one out, mate!

Soaps’ very foundations revolve around wrongdoings and injustices (which are almost always righted at some point), and we’re now off on what could be months of angst as we see Alice languish in a cell while Janine swans around the place acting like the grieving widow. She did actually manage to spare a thought for her daughter this week though.

“Her life is ruined. How will she ever be happy now?” she wailed.

“She’s got you,” Whitney replied kindly.

God help the poor little mite. She wouldn’t be smiling if she knew what lay ahead. As if having fifty percent of both Michael and Janine’s genes isn’t enough of a handicap, having Janine as your sole carer would be enough to make Scarlett crawl outside and throw herself under the first runaway car that happened to be passing that day.

Happy (extended) families!

On the plus side, at least she gets a bedroom to herself and doesn’t have to share her Peppa Pig toys – unlike Tiffany, who’s now got another half-sister: ‘Spud’ (yep, that really is what her dad called her; like he’s got room to talk!) to add to her collection. Morgan, too.

“Good news: mum’s back. Bad news: you know how I’ve got two dads? It looks like I might have three now,” he informed his (existing) siblings in the cafe, and it wasn’t long before Bianca’s mob had gained another couple of members.

Rosie (spud!) and TJ. (Didn’t TJ used to be in Terry’s son in Emmerdale? He’s grown!) TJ and Liam look as if they could be brothers and – knowing EastEnders – we’ll probably find out that they ARE!

It’s the Addams Family, alright

As for Terry: is his surname Addams? He’s the spit of Uncle Fester, and could yet turn out to be Cousin ITT’s* real father! He seems like a nice-enough feller, but it’ll only be a matter of time before his dirty little secret comes out. They all have one. What’s his going to be?

The Lord only knows, but hopefully David will hang around long enough to ‘sort ‘im ‘aht’ when the time comes, and talking of sorting people out: why doesn’t he just sling Masood out and have done with it?

David and Carol have got such great sexual chemistry that it’s a wonder they’re not at it like rabbits, although there’s more than enough kids in that house already so it’s just as well Carol’s unlikely to find herself ‘up the duff’ now!

Since Zee went, there just doesn’t seem to be ‘any point’ to the Masoods any more. Kick him to the curb, Carol, and just get back with David. Go on. You know you want to.

Starry, starry night. Can only mean one thing …

When I saw Kat and Alfie stood outside at the fireworks I braced myself in case this was the moment that THEY were about to get back together – again, but it was a false alarm this time, luckily.

When they looked up to the sky though, I thought “NOT THE MOON. PLEASE, NOT THE MOON!” but thankfully we weren’t subjected to that joke of a photo-shopped full moon (which shines even brighter than Alice’s teeth), this time; only one lone firework ‘for Michael’ (Moon). Pffft.

I’ve had to watch in a bit of a rush this week so haven’t listened quite as carefully as normal, but I did spot a bit of Appropriate/Inappropriate Music in the Background. As Bianca’s in the pub asking Michael to leave and he’s saying he wants to stay, you can hear the words ‘I will be right by your side’ playing on the jukebox slap-bang inbetween their lines!

A Good acting by a Supporting Artiste (sounds better than ‘bit-part actor’, doesn’t it?) Award goes to Kirsty’s loan shark. Nice job mate.

Another few Grins of the Week this week; things are looking up) although most of them were Bianca’s lines)! Just as well she came back when she did or it would have been a very lean week – although the whole stuff with the kids arguing etc was very entertaining.

Bianca: “What time are the kids back? I want to prepare them.”

David: “What – for ‘im?”

Janine: “She seemed kind of hostile.”

Joey: “Come on, Janine. Alice is never hostile.”

Janine: “Tell that to Michael.”

Joey (Janine fake crying): “Janine, please! I might start thinking you really cared about him.”

Janine: “Yeah, well, I did – when I wasn’t hating him.”

Kat: “What did you get me?”

Bianca: “Nuffink, but I did bring something back with me.”

Kat: “You can get cream for that.”

Bianca: “It wasn’t meant to be like this, mum. I did have a plan.”

Carol: “Well it wasn’t a very good one, was it?”

Bianca: “Well, it never is, is it?” (You can say that again, B!)

PS

* Who set those fireworks off then? It wasn’t Alfie. They seemed to start by themselves and run in a complete consecutive sequence – just like you’d have at a proper, organised display.

Considering Alfie can barely string a sentence together, there’s no way he could have organised an Event like that.

* Kat said she thought the fireworks might be ‘too intense’ for Tommy. How, exactly? He’s a small child. If Janine had been (fake) wailing and gnashing her teeth in the middle of the Square he wouldn’t even have noticed because he’d have been too busy looking up at the pretty lights. Dur. Then they wonder why their kids get hangups!

* Those bananas have got more flesh on them than Lucy. That girl is way too thin. I find it extremely worrying.

* David went to the shop and came back with a single pint of milk. What, for all that mob? He’d be better off buying a cow and sticking it out in the garden.

* Nice to see CC this week, and nice to see that publicity photo of the new family. Shirley’s brother, aye? Funny how she’s never mentioned/we never knew of the existence of this whole big family of hers, but anything that gets Shirley back on our screens is ok with me!

* I’ve never seen David in anything except that suit, but we now know that he owns a tracksuit top. No wonder he’s got so much cash to throw around; he certainly isn’t spending it on clothes.

* If that nasty man has damaged my lovely Peter’s boyish good looks then he’ll have me to answer to. Let’s hope his velvety voice isn’t affected either.

* Lauren’s wasted just hanging around Albert Square. With her ability to look into someone’s eyes and ‘know for a fact whether they’re lying or not’, she could be out earning herself a fortune as a human lie-detector.