Royal Wedding Special Sunday 1st May 2011

Just Kidding!  No, actually, after having had no interest in it, I sat in my office and not only watched it, but blubbed the whole way through, and if I’d have had a flag I’d have waved it.  What a spectacle.  Made you proud to be British – apart from Harry having forgetten to have brushed his hair, and Beatrice and Eugeine looking like something from a fancy-dress party.  Eugiene’s dress looked as if it was caught up in her knickers at the back.  I know nothing about fashion, but who – in all honestly – could have actually let them walk out of the house dressed like that?

It’s early Sunday morning as I write this, and have just had a quick peek at The Mail Online.  I spotted these words ‘Life is easier when people are nice, and polite,’ (which a Taxi Driver said to journalist Liz Jones on Friday after her car had broken down).  Isn’t that true?  We’re all so miserable most of the time in the UK (who can blame us), but as soon as the sun comes out we all cheer up.  A Royal Wedding’s turned us into Pollyannas for a few days.  Wouldn’t it be nice if it could last? Read the article: http://bit.ly/lNN3VV

Right.  As promised, here’s my first-ever stand up performance. In case you didn’t know, I’d attended my friend Sarah Archer’s Comedy Training Course (that’s her, posing for a photo for her first Edinburgh Festival show this summer). We learnt the basics of performance technique, gag-writing etc and had to write and perform a five-minute routine to a live audience (well, most of them were).

I hadn’t had time to do it really, and (if you’ve read previous blogs), you’ll know I didn’t devote enough time at the beginning, which resulted in me having to cram at the end.  I learned it all in time, but am still kicking myself over my mind suddenly refusing to recall the word ‘unlike’.  It was all a blur (apart from that moment), but once I’d done it I just wanted to get up and do it again.  I was going to say ‘Don’t laugh,’ but I hope you do laugh (at the jokes – not at me!).  I’m not quite as fat as I look on there either.  He must have filmed it in wide-screen or something …  http://bit.ly/kk3aoM

MasterChef

So, it’s over.  Tim won.  I read somewhere that they’re going to be doing MasterChef USA, so having a US winner wouldn’t be anything other than a complete coincidence I don’t suppose?

Following it on Twitter over those three nights, it seems that the little holiday … sorry “Absolutely justifiable trip,” to Australia (bet none of them went Cattle-class), wasn’t deemed to be a popular excursion.  The whole thing felt more like an Episode of ‘Wish You Were Here?’ than a cooking show.

Like a cross between X Factor and This is Your Life (with John’s family being treated to a slap-up meal at the BBC Licence-payer’s expense), the whole thing played-out to a backdrop of dramatic and tearjerking music.  The only thing missing was a few sick puppies, kittens or a little orphaned joey, and the other hot topic was the whole Brokeback Mountain thing going on between John and Greg.  In their matching outfits, they looked very much an item, and – in fact – spent the whole three days looking at each other completely dewey-eyed.  What was that all about?  Are they trying to grab the Gay market too? Nothing would surprise me after what I’ve seen in this Series.

It was only on Wednesday that they finally got round to some ‘proper’ cooking.  I’m still trying to write Tom’s list of ingredients down.  Octopus, pig’s ear, black pudding, pickled walnuts, cuddly toy … nope, can’t remember any more.

I’ve had a lot to say about this Series over the last few weeks.  Seems that the majority of people on Twitter are in agreement that it’s been far too X Factor, completely OTT music (and far too loud), not enough cooking, and too much money spent taking them all over the place. The Molecular Gastronomy thing was a turn-off, and India Fisher’s commentary drove many people to distraction.

Let’s hope that the next Series takes everyone’s comments on board and concentrates on the food (minus the ‘flicky’ pictures).  We love this show (viewing figures prove that), but that doesn’t alter the fact that we DON’T want a game-show format, we want it back to how it used to be. Roll on MasterChef ‘The Professionals’ with the adorable Michel Roux. http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b006t1k5

I have to share my favourite tweets from those last three nights.

londontweetnik “Whoever serves Greg whipped cream in a nose bag wins.”

hannahjanefox “I love watching MasterChef… But I CANT STAND the narrators voice!!!! Can anyone? What is that all about?”

fayesavage “If MasterChef tries to be any more emotional I’m going to vomit the roast I had for lunch, with a celeriac jus and and a parmesan tuile.”

Archer-y

I was all set to moan about Gardener’s Question Time.  That’s Gardener’s … Question … Time – in case you didn’t quite catch it.  I totted up 347 mentions in this week’s Omnibus.  Ok, maybe not quite that many.  It just felt like that many!  The audio version of over-excessive product placement.

Like I say: I was set to moan about it, but then I thought that if I was a fan of GQT then I’d probably have loved it, so I won’t.  I’m far more concerned about Henry (the world’s cleverest baby).  What’s happened to him?  Has he gone on his gap year already, or has he set up a tractor repair business?  Ooh, it barely seems four months since he was born, does it?

Caroline’s heading for exhaustion – not from doing Roy’s job, but from having to dodge La Snell’s CV.  There’s no way she’ll be able to do Roy’s job though.  It’ll end in tears, alchohol – or both, I predict.  Doesn’t sound good for the Brookfield cows – again.  Life doesn’t get any easier for David, does it? http://bbc.in/lLKg5J

Soap-y Corner

A bit of a dull week all round really, but Emmerdale ending with Kelly admitting she had clunked Jimmy over the head’s left me all excited for Monday (but then I do have an extremely dull life).  Does hairy David not realise that the little Geordie minx has got him in her sights?  That’ll end in tears; mark my words.

I’m not warming to that other Geordie – the new farm-boy Alex. He looks too much like Sam Dingle’s long-lost brother for my liking, and as if John and Moira Barton didn’t already have enough on their plate, I’m thinking it’ll be Hannah’s caravan conception next.  Ooh, we haven’t had a teen pregnancy for a while.

I’d loved the Royal Wedding so much it just made me want to get married.  As I’ve been single for 75 years I tried to think how I might get to meet someone … and then it came to me: go and live in Emmerdale.  If you hang around long enough in that village you’ll eventually end up with either Andy or Katie at the very least (although Nikhil’s catching up fast in the bed-hopping department).

EastEnders has been a non-event this week.  That whole Fat Boy/Mercy thing; nah, don’t buy it.  Love seeing lots of Zainab though.  She needs to have an affair with the creepy Doctor.  That woman just crackles with repressed sexual tension.  I’d be looking to be sharing my chapatis with someone else if I was married to Masood.  They’re a believable couple – with great chemistry – but Mas would try the patience of a Saint at the moment, especially after gambling that money away.  Silly boy.

I’m praying those thugs will punch Ben Mitchell in the face and break his glasses, because he might then go and get a new pair that don’t make him look quite so creepy.  I feel unwell whenever he comes on.  Thank goodness there’s Tanya and Jane to take my mind off it; they’re so mischievous when they’re on together, and it’s another blinder from Kat and Alfie this week too.  Love em, and love that baby.

Corrie Corner

(The following appears as my blog on both the ‘Coronation Street Blog’ and ‘Corrie Countdown‘ websites this week.)

Flippin ‘eck.  That first shot of Peter Barlow stood outside the bookies gave me a shock.  I thought it was EastEnder’s Nick Cotton.  Scary.  All he needed was a cape and a pair of fangs.  Maybe he’s after a part in Simon’s school play as a pantomime villain?

What a wonderful comic opportunity the writers had this week with ‘Toddly’ and his posh fella showing up, and they certainly didn’t disappoint.  Rosie’s “I’ve actually got a lesbian sister.  Like, a proper one.  Oh yeah, full blown.”  The whole thing was a joy, and Eileen’s expressions were priceless, but my “Like, totally favourite,” bit was this:

Jason to Todd: “Are you trying to say that all models are thick?”

Rosie (with her usual incredulity): “Well, some are, actually Jason.  Scary.”

The whole Xin (or Sheena, as Kylie calls her!) thing is almost as unbelievable as the whole Eddie Windass thing.  They should have had a whirlwind romance and run off to open a fusion Chinese Resturant/Patisserie together.  Wouldn’t be any more far-fetched than what’s actually happened.

There’s another one who moved everything off the menu in with her when she came to live with Graham and Tina, but left with only an empty suitcase as she did her (not very good) disappearing act this week.

Laugh?  Don’t ask.  Keith and Deirdre at the pottery class.  Who’d have thought those hands could have produced such an amazing Etruscan Amphora?  But what was Ken thinking?  It was like something Sean would have concocted (and yes, I chose that word deliberately!)  If haven’t seen it, or would like to see it again: http://bit.ly/ktkSeD (you have to put up with a short ad first, but it’s worth it!).

My Grin of the Week this week is:

Ken, pithily (about their pottery teacher): “He wouldn’t know an Etruscan vase if Tracy hit him on the head with it.”

Quotes of the Week

“All our dreams can come true – if we have the courage to pursue them.” Walt Disney

Foodie Corner

I’m missing doing Foodie Corner,but could not resist showing you this lemon curd cake a friend of mine in Ireland baked this week.   Alas, I only got this photo!