You can hear me talking Soaps 10.30-11.00 am every Thursday on Swindon 1055.com (or simply use the tunein Radio App) and on my LIVE internet Soap Show 6.00-6.45 every Monday on Tellyspy (also available as podcasts on iTunes. Just key in ‘Soapy Corners’. Monday 30th December’s is No. 12 – Series 2 Ep 5.)
Congratulations; Christmas; cowboys, comas and comb-overs.
Christmas in Emmerdale, and everyone’s getting on like a house on fire. Oops … Yes, Declan’s latest bright idea was to burn Home Farm down and pocket the insurance money. Ah, and it was all going so well too, until the whole thing ‘went up in smoke’.
I love a soap fire, don’t you? They always burn ‘just right’, so that people can sit around and wander in and out until – finally – someone rescues someone, and that person ends up in a coma in hospital.
‘Forever’ is forever – except in soapland
This time, it’s the lovely Megan resting-up (and looking better than I do!) while Declan and Charity conspire to frame Sam. Well, from the moment Sam told the family his feelings for Rachel were forever, “And so are we,” you could almost hear the bell toll, couldn’t you? I wouldn’t bother with a ring, mate; you’ll be needing that money for a solicitor.
Still, at least we’ve seen the back of that hideous 1960s wallpaper and those giant shark teeth. Let’s hope that whoever chooses the new decor isn’t hallucinating at the time, and let’s hope Gil buys it, as if Declan pulls this off and remains at Home Farm it’ll be a joke, as surely even the incompetent, idiotic Skipdale police ought to be able to work out that this is merely an Insurance job?
“If you could jot down the names of anyone who works there as they’ll need to be questioned,” one of the coppers asked Deccers.
Apart from what he squandered on that hideous decor and those ‘artefacts’, it’s a wonder Declan’s not still rolling in it. He’s hardly got a large wage bill to pay out every month, has he? As you might know, I feel that Declan’s character has run its course, and reckon it’s definitely time for the village to get a new Lord of the Manor.
Alicia had more than a skeleton in her cupboard
But enough of that, as romance was in the air (and a sister in the cupboard) as David and Alicia got married, but it was Val who outshone the bride for me (especially in that hat, which suited her so well). In fact, it pretty-much felt like ‘The Val Show’ all week, as she was in so many scenes – and managed to steal every one of them!
Hilarious? I should say so. Her comic timing’s a joy to watch, and she and Kerry had me rolling ‘up the aisle’ during the whole of the wedding stuff (Eric and Hairy David both trying to go through the arch together was dead funny!), and Kerry’s ‘tracksuit envy’ was hilarious: “Where did you get your tracksuit? It’s mint. Oh, I love it. It’s dead classy.” Brilliant!
Ride ’em Cowboy
Talking of chemistry though; I’m still not ‘feeling it’ for James Barton (although Moira clearly is). I just can’t take to him, and the more I see him, the more I reckon that all he needs is a hat and a holster and they’ll be able to start calling him ‘Big JB’.
Have you noticed how he even stands with his hands in his pockets like a cowboy, and when he said, “It’s a one-pub town” on Thursday I thought I must have nodded off and woken up watching a third-rate spaghetti western!
All that pales into insignificance when I see him with Moira though. The man’s practically undressing her with his eyes every time he looks at her, and – I’m sorry to say – she appears to be doing the same. Someone needs to throw a bucket of cold water over the pair of them!
It’s Cain I feel sorry for though, because (for the first time ever) he’s properly ‘in love’, and yet suddenly this long-lost, never-before-heard-of cowboy and his mismatch of sons (one of whom looks older than his dad) has just rolled into town from God-knows where and is about to take it all from him.
On the other hand, it looks as if Big JB’s ‘cow girl’ Vanessa the Vet has conveniently forgotten that she’s meant to be gay/in love with Rhona and has suddenly become one of the Barton posse. She’ll need to dye her hair if she wants to join The Black-Haired-Bartons though (and when’s James going to turn them into a proper matching set?).
Ooh, I do take it to heart, don’t I? Ha ha. It’s only because it’s all such good stuff that we believe in it though, isn’t it? Anyway, let’s have a laugh. I could pretty-much have just transcribed all Val’s lines and had done with it this week, but here’s some of them, and the rest of our Grins of The Week:
Marlon: “Aah, the traditional blood-curdling scream of the bride getting ready.”
Bernice: “What is Auntie Val doing to her?”
Diane: “Burning her hair off, mostly.”
Alicia: “Washing it won’t make it grow back.”
Bernice: “We could poof up the rest with a blow-dry and sort-of create a comb-over effect.”
Alicia: “What are you doing here?”
Leyla: “She locked me in.”
Alicia: “Not in there!”
Val: “Oi. I saw you in the pub earlier.”
Priya: “Well, I do work there.”
Sandy: “Check again. He (Santa) always delivers.”
Gabby: “He didn’t deliver me a pony.”
Jai: “Archie’s a very lucky boy, cos Santa’s dropped off a load of presents at Daddy’s house.”
Zak: “I’m surprised that didn’t cripple the reindeer.”
Val: “I’ll pin it up. I don’t think she’ll be able to tell.”
Diane: “She will when she takes it down.”
Val: “But by then she’ll be married and wasted.”
Alicia: “I forgot my moisturiser. I’ll borrow some of Chas’s.”
Val: “You don’t wanna use her cheap rubbish. It’ll bring you out in hives.”
Harriet: “Why don’t you just jump to the bit where you snog his face off? I’ll give you a demo if you like.”
David: “Er, no. You’re alright.”
Val: “Oi. ‘Little Miss Jilted’. I thought I told you to stay away?”
Priya: “You slurred a few words at me. To be honest, it didn’t make much sense.”
* Apparently David and Jake decorated the church for the wedding. Yeah, right. It looked absolutely stunning, and there’s no way on earth ‘one man and his boy’ could have ever created something so beautiful!
* Oh, how many young boys have been given a version of these words: ‘Touch that again; you won’t have any fingers. I mean … be careful with the organ, please’ (although not by a vicar while actually sitting at one)!
* I loved Samson’s line as he stuck his nose in the caviar: ‘Smells like Hamish’!
* You’d think Leyla would have got the hang of present giving by now, wouldn’t you? When you give someone a gift you’re not meant to tell them what it is as you hand it to them. Dur!
* HOW cute was Arthur when he saw the kitten?
* Ashley and Harriet? There’s a few ‘looks’ passing between them, and she’s man-mad, so it’s only a matter of time, surely?
* Lisa said, “What goes around, comes around.” Oh, if ONLY that were true in real life!